Things Not Said  A Supernatural Story
by Renton
Summary: One month after the events of 7x02, Dean finally opens up to Sam about his feelings about the friend they lost. *slash*


Things Not Said

By Renton

Disclaimer: I don't own anything here, and don't pretend to.

Rating: PG

Summary: Dean finally admits to Sam something he was afraid to even admit to himself. Post 7x02. Slash. **** Spoilers ** **

**Author's Note: In response to a quote where Jensen Ackles says that Dean would use Cas' coat as a pillow. It's my first adventure into Destiel, enjoy :^).**

It had been nearly a month since Castiel had died, and Dean had yet to utter a single word about him. Bobby had talked about Cas, Sam had talked about him several times, and Dean just sat there and said nothing. Where others might have seen Dean as being insensitive, Sam saw straight through his barrier he had thrown up, and knew his older brother was in pain. Dean had loved Cas, Sam knew that much; though he firmly believed that Dean never acted or said anything to Cas in regards to his feelings, but it'd be pretty damn hard to miss the signs, and Sam felt pretty confident in saying that Cas returned those feelings, even if he necessarily didn't understand fully the very real human emotions he held for his older brother. But now, that Cas was gone, Dean would never get the chance to tell Cas what he felt, and Sam could only imagine how that made him feel.

They were right outside of Los Angeles on Interstate 5, with no motel in sight and they were both fading fast. Sam checked his watch and said, "dude, it's late, why don't we pull into this next rest stop and sleep for a few hours?" Dean nodded wordlessly, taking the next exit off the interstate, pulling the Impala into one of the parking spots, Sam stretched, and said, "I'm going to hit the head, want anything out the vending machines?"

"No." Dean said rubbing his eyes, "I'm going to crawl in the backseat and hope that maybe I can get some sleep." Sam nodded and got out of the Impala, walking over to the restrooms, leaving Dean alone in the car. Dean watched Sam as he entered the restroom, and once he was out of sight, Dean got out and popped the trunk. Looking around for a blanket or something he could use to make the backseat a little more comfortable, Dean caught a glimpse of Cas' trench coat he had folded up in the corner of the trunk. Taking a deep breath, Dean reached in and pulled it out, keeping it close to him; Dean felt his chin shake as he looked at the coat he hadn't touched since he had pulled it out of the lake, he tried to stop himself but a few tears fell and darkened the material of the coat. Taking a few deep breaths, Dean nodded to himself and shut the trunk; folding the coat up, Dean climbed into the back of the Impala, put the coat underneath his head and began to quickly fall asleep.

Sam walked back over to the Impala, and was going to say something to Dean as he got in but he saw that he was already in the back of the Impala asleep. Kicking the seat back, Sam took off his own jacket and wadded it up, placing it up against the door of the Impala to rest his head against, leaning into it he found himself falling asleep just as quickly as Dean had.

Sam woke with a start as one of the 18-wheelers blew his horn as he pulled out of the parking lot. Sitting up, he stretched, adjusting the seat back upright. "Dean, how can you-" Sam turned to give his brother shit about being able to sleep through anything, but found that his words had fallen short as he noticed the pillow Dean had made himself to sleep on. It was Cas' coat, Dean must have pulled it out of the trunk when he had gone to the bathroom. Sam felt his heart break for his brother, reaching over the seat, Sam slapped Dean on the leg, "hey Dean, get up it's morning."

Waking with a start, Dean looked up to see Sam looking at him with those sad eyes Sam had when he felt bad. He quickly remembered Cas' jacket and quickly knocked it off the seat and tucked it underneath the front seat. "Alright let's get back on the road."

"Do you want to drive or do you want me to?" Sam asked, "You still look pretty groggy."

"I don't care," Dean thought for a minute, "yeah go ahead. Maybe I can catch some sleep still." Sam climbed over to the driver's side as Dean moved to the front. Sam watched him with a sympathetic eye as Dean rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and went to do the buckle, noticing that Sam was watching him, Dean asked. "What?"

Sam looked at him and said, "Do you want to talk about it?"

Dean furrowed his brow in confusion, "talk about what, Sam?"

"Dean, Cas has been gone for a month and you haven't uttered word about him since." Sam said, "I'm just worried, that's all."

"He's dead Sam." Dean said shortly, feeling his temper quickly getting shorter as this conversation went on. "I'm sorry if I'm not wanting to be some sentimental sap about it with you and Bobby."

"But Dean," Sam said, "whether you like it or not you are going to have to face your feelings about it, I mean, Cas was your best friend."

"Best friend that betrayed us," Dean said, "you know I find it funny that even though you were the one he screwed over, I'M the one pissed off about it."

"I forgave him Dean," Sam said, "He wasn't himself. And I've done enough stupid things in my life time to people I care about that I'd be a pretty big hypocrite if I couldn't give him the forgiveness that people gave me. You've done your fair share of things too Dean, and we forgave you."

"That's different."

"How?" Sam asked, "Dean, Cas was only doing what he thought needed to be done. Yes, it was wrong, he got into it far too deep; but can we honestly say we haven't done stupid crap ourselves that backfired?" Dean was quiet and Sam continued, "Dean, I saw his jacket, I'm not blind."

"I needed a pillow." Dean said.

"You could've used your own jacket for that Dean," Sam said. "But you got that jacket out of the trunk for a reason." Dean glared at him and Sam tested the waters, "Dean, I know you loved him –"

"Watch it Sammy," Dean warned him.

"It's true. I know nothing ever came of it, but I know you loved him." Sam said, "Which is fine, I'm thrilled you had someone you cared about that much. But Dean, even if this anger you hold about Cas just stemmed from him working with Crowley, it would've subsided with his death. I can't help but think that there is something else here. . ."

"Like what Sam?" Dean asked, anger now boiling in his veins at how his brother was hitting every single nerve he had, "like what?"

"Like regret." Sam said and Dean quickly looked away, "Dean, you never told him that you loved him did you?" Dean wouldn't look at Sam; he kept his eyes out towards the parking lot. "I know I still hold a lot of regret over things I didn't say to Dad, or Jess. I can only imag—"

"What the hell do you want me to say Sam?" Dean finally said, turning to Sam. It took Sam by surprise the emotion he heard in Dean's voice, "You want me to admit I was in love with Cas? That I fell in love with someone of the same gender?"

"I just want you to be honest with me Dean," Sam said, "I'm your brother, I just want you to be honest with yourself."

Dean took a few deep breaths trying to calm himself down, "screw this. I have nothing to say to you," Dean climbed out of the car and walked away from Sam. He didn't look back when he heard the other door open and close. "Go away Sammy."

"I can't do that Dean, you know that." Sam said, as he got closer to him. Dean turned to Sam, and felt himself finally breaking, "just talk to me. I promise you it will help."

"How?" Dean asked, "How can it begin to help me Sammy?" Feeling his lip quiver Dean felt like he was up against a wall. "How can admitting to something after the fact make it any easier that he's gone?" Sam paused, realizing Dean was finally opening up about it. "Yeah, I loved him." Dean laughed painfully as he finally said the words he had been so afraid to say out loud. "I fell in love with a freaking angel okay? And no, I never said anything to him."

"Why not?" Sam said.

"Are you even hearing yourself Sammy?" Dean said, "I fell in love with an angel. An ANGEL of God." Rubbing his face, Dean said, "I'm pretty sure that is about as sinful as you can get."

"There isn't any sin in being in love Dean," Sam said, " and I think Cas would've been the first to have told you that."

"I don't know man, I mean I wanted to, so many times I wanted to tell him," Dean said, "I guess I was just scared you know? I was so scared he'd reject me that I was content with keeping him as a friend rather than tell him I loved him and risk loosing him entirely." Feeling the tears start to pour down his face, Dean said, "Now he's gone. Cas is dead, and I didn't even get to tell him goodbye. Or. . ." Dean looked up to the sky as if to find the words. "Or to be completely honest, tell him I forgave him."

"You did?" Sam asked.

"Yeah," Dean said, "as soon as he had given up the souls it was as if everything that happened had just washed underneath a bridge. I was just so happy he was alive, but. . ." Dean stopped himself, "but now he's gone again, and I can't tell him shit, Sammy. I can't tell him anything, he died thinking I still hated him, and I am going to have to live with that." They both fell silent and Dean looked to the ground, before he knew what was happening, Sam had closed the distance between them and gave him a fiercely tight hug. Dean, in normal circumstances, would have pushed Sam back, called him a girl and try to brush off the sentiment; but today, Dean clung to Sam, overwhelmed by his emotions, Dean pulled his head up and said quietly, "I want him back Sammy."

"I know." Sam said, "We shouldn't give up on him just yet." Pulling away, Sam said, "I will be honest with you Dean, I think Cas knew how much you loved him. And I think he loved you just as equally. I mean he'd have to, in order to put up with your ass," Dean let out a laugh as he wiped a stray tear off his face. Sam smiled, "I'm glad you were honest with me Dean."

"Yeah, well, enough of this chick flick crap," Dean punched Sam in the shoulder, "we got to hit the road." Sam nodded and followed him back to the Imapala. "You can drive, I want to get some sleep." Climbing into the opposite sides of the car, Sam got the seat situated to fit his long form. Looking down he saw Cas' coat sticking out from underneath the seat. Picking it up, he saw Dean trying to get comfortable, holding out the jacket, Sam said. "Here, this will help," Dean turned his head and saw what Sam was holding, looking at his brother, he gave him a silent thanks, taking it from Sam, he folded it up and put it up against the door frame.

Resting his head, Sam took off down the interstate again, Dean took a deep breath and closed his eyes, softly he said as he fell back to sleep, "I love you Cas, come home soon."


End file.
